he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
