DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
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But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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