i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
