I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Randomize
