I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
