On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
