Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
