I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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