Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
