I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
