I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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