3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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