I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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