we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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