remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
