I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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