Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
