Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
