alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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