I intend to get homeless drunk
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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