he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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