I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
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Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
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Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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