Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
