My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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