Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
