This is not my ceiling
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
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i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
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Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?