the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high