I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
