I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
