Sry I called you an 8
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I deserve this hangover.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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