can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
