He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
