The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
