I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
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I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I need to sanitize my soul.
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never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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