He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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