mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
