Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
