break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
