Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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