I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
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Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
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"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.