I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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