i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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