On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
