This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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