and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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