In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
