Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
