Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
