I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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