Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
