Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
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Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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