Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
