i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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