The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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